The Los Angeles Loyolan, Volume 76, Issue 23 - April 1, 1998

Snuff film festival is a success in Mayer theater Щ Роде 6 The crushing despair of living in a Godless universe Features, Роде 75 IJVIU manages to lose in a sport we don’t even have Sports, Page 76 Engineering, Business Students Collaborate on New Project by Peter Pinguid Staff Writer What was once a hare¬ brained scientific wet dream has now become a glorious real¬ ity for the LMU community and beyond. It may not be a perpet¬ ual motion machine, but engi¬ neering students are hailing their recent invention of the “Trans-Ideal Generator,” or T.I.G., as the most important advance in human history. In its simplest definition, the machine converts immaterial values and ideas directly into usable material goods. Engineering professor and pro¬ ject advisor Professor Laslo Jamf explained how the machine works. “Basically, you take a book or something and put it in the ‘IN’ hole, and, after a few minutes, something practical comes out the ‘GUT’ hole,” he said. When asked to elaborate on the com¬ plex process, Jamf insisted that it would be incomprehensi¬ ble to even the most intelligent layman with an advanced degree in hyper-organic molecu¬ lar cryptography. The first succesful conver¬ sion for T.I.G happend earlier this spring when a John Steinbeck novel was converted into an opaque, protein-rich jelly which could be consumed as an energy source for human beings. “It was such a rush,” said sophmore Brunhilda Hunter and student research team leader. “That book had just been sitting around collect¬ ing dust in the library, but then “We’re still working out the kinks.” — Dr. Laslo Jamf professor of engineering it became a viable commodity for human beings.” From the success of the orig¬ inal T.I.G prototype, the capa¬ bilities of the machine increased exponentially. By mid- February, several of Alain Robbe-Grillet’s early novels were bundled together and con¬ verted into a turkey sandwich. INPUT OUTPUT Any Poem by Sylvia Plath Rainbow lighted visor cap Thomas Pvnchon’s Bureaucrats “Gravity’s Rainbow” The lost “Magnificent Pontiac Firebird Ambersons” reels I Leadbelly records Choice real estate in Malibu ' I Children’s laughter Automatic weapons Kierkegaard’s “Fear and Sewage Treatment Plant Trembling” ■ , j Chopin’s “Nocturnes” Tupperware John Grisham novels John Grisham novels “Dianetics” Styrofoam Munch’s “The Scream” Cubicle SOURCE: T.I.G. FIELD TESTS “We have yet to figure out how to enhance the sandwich with mayonnaise. We’re still work¬ ing out the kinks,” said Jamf. What is interesting about the T.I.G is that each contribu¬ tion to the Humanities converts to a specific usable material good. For instance, each copy of Aristotle’s “Nichomachean Ethics” transforms Mnto a Pioneer compact disc player, while the works of Henry Louis Gates Jr. transform into the “Jerry Springer — Too Hot for T.V.” cassette, which is not sold in stores. To get a better idea of what the various artistic, philo¬ sophical, and ethical expres¬ sions convert to, please see the supplemental chart. After the T.I.G. went public, students and professors from the college of science and engi¬ neering were quick to seek help from friends at the Hilton Business Center. “I have a vision of a T.I.G in every American home,” said Lewis Cypher, a smarmy marketing major. “The T.I.G. is the ulti¬ mate product. And it shouldn’t be hard to sell. We’ll just slap a lightning bolt on the side, give it a catchy slogan, and soon fami¬ lies will be able to turn all their old Bibles into jet skis and Segas. Jamf made it clear that the T.I.G. is only the first step in what will be a global project to “rid the world of crap.” Projected plans include a spe¬ cial version of the T.I.G. that would convert the wisdom of the elderly into international air¬ ports and track housing, although there is some fear that the elderly might be selfish and resist their annihilation. “I can’t help but drool when¬ ever I walk past the Von der Ahe Library,” said Jamf with a glee¬ fully demonic look in his eye. “All that untapped information waiting to become cross-trainers and Kaboodles make-up kits and Tommy Hilfiger gear! Too bad that old library in Alexandria burned down. That place probably had enough ideas to create a space casino!” Student Group Holds Event by Reporting Unit J-7 In commemoration of a par¬ ticular tradition or monetary need, a student group repre¬ senting certain students held an event on any day some¬ where on campus. The event was co-sponsored by another student group simi¬ larly representative of certain other groups of students. Before the event started, students involved with the event discussed the event. As the event was in progress, those same students discussed the progress of the event. After the event had concluded, the students discussed the events that had taken place at the event. The students involved with the event were pleased with the successful event. “I was very pleased with our event,” said the group’s president. “It was a success.” The same event will be held at the same time next year. INDEX Walter Hammerwold 1 Wander Himmelward 5 Winter Hunterskull 9 Warm Hundergarmenfs 10 Witt Hundergiaben T 2 Wonder Hummelworld 1 4 Woscar Hammerstei n 1 7 Wendell Handelbrot 23 Wimbley Hemmerwarid 24 О n j h e__ W e /? ; www. rawsex. com/monkey, avi ■■ Tt ' I EDWARD STEICHEN / LOYOLAN Professor Laszlo Jamf with his Trans-Ideal Generator, ; which he developed along with LMU engineering students. Former Priory of Zion Leader Top Candidate for President by Humbert Humbert All of Us, la a Way Pierre Plantard, former president of the Prieure du Sion (or Priory of Zion), has emerged as the leading candidate to replace current university President Thomas P. O’Malley, the search committee has reported. Plantard, who left the Priory of Zion in 1984, has for the last 15 years acted as a senior agent for Century 21 real estate. His work there has been good, reported his regional sales rep, Chip van Weegen, but “he was always creeping me out.” According to some reports, the Priory of Zion was founded in the 11th century by Godfroide de Bouillon, and is said to be responsible for the founding of the Knights Templars, and the current holders of the plun¬ dered treasury of the Temple in Jerusalem. The Priory of Zion is also said to be the Arch-cabal behind many of the events at Rennes- le-Chateau, the rural French parish that is said to be the rest¬ ing place of the lost Visigothic gold. Plantard, a native of Yorba Linda, was born from the unholy union between his nat¬ ural mother, Ann Plantard, and a Quinotaur, or five-horned beast from the sea. Plantard has described his youth as nor¬ mal, and recollects attending Illuminati barbecues and mix¬ ers with his “human” father, Steve. “He was such a preco¬ cious child,” said his father. “Always contacting the spirit world and planning things, like global domination.” According to the university search committee, who is responsible for filling the vacant position of university president, Plantard has so far presented himself as the most qualified candidate. Rex Sandwicheater, a trustee and chair of the com¬ mittee, said “Plantard’s three- hour interview, in which he explained to me the the myste¬ rious emergence of the Merovingian kings, who are rumored to be inheritors of the dynastic line of Christ. I found it to be a profoundly blasphe¬ mous and baffling learning experience.” Also of note, said Sandwicheater, was Plantard’s cryptic mission statement. “It was incomprehensible,” said Sandwicheater. “He lost me when he wrote BY THE CROSS AND THIS HORSE OF GOD I DESTROY THIS DAEMON GUARDIAN AT MIDDAY BLUE APPLES.” Sandwicheater also men¬ tioned that Plantard’s applica¬ tion is only readable using the “knight’s tour,” a logic puzzle wherein one “jumps” a knight to every square on the chess board once and only once. Despite his cryptic creden¬ tials, Plantard has been described as “very qualified” by representatives of the search committee, “He is an excellent communicator and will take proactive steps to ensure the university’s success,” said Sandwicheater. “Also he is able to traverse the line between this universe and the next, and can plunder the secrets of the spirit world.” Plantard has many plans for improving the university. “If I am selected as the next presi¬ dent,” he says, “I will make sig¬ nificant changes in every department by attaining arcane knowledge with the use of a tesseract.” He also plans to “reestablish the rule of the Merovingian kings and restore the Holy Grail (also known as Noah’s Ark) to its rightful own¬ ers, the Visigoths.”