Campus Life
Sinners go to mass, feel
better about them¬
selves: Page 6
Music
Some crappy band puts
out compact disc:
page 74
Sports
Men’s Basketball fails
to win national title:
Page 15
L
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s A n g e l e s amWm
LOYOLAN
April 1, 1997
Loyola M a r y
м о
u n t U n i v e r s i t y
Volume ; Loud!!
Drug Testing Mandated for Student Employees
■ Office of Student Affairs approves new
requirement; testing of all students to
begin April 10
by Jack Duloz
Staff Beatnik
he department of student
affairs announced yesterday
that mandatory drug tests will
be required of all student
employees effective April 10.
All student employees will be
required to pass a urine test at
new drug testing centers being
set up in North Hall before they
can continue working for the
university. The new regulations
are an attempt to increase basic
competence among student
employees, who are frequently
inebriated at work. Student
reaction has been overwhelm¬
ingly negative.
According to a source that
refused to be identified, the new
rules are aimed at campus
graphics, where reports of on
the job drug use are wide¬
spread, but, the source said,
“You can’t just single out one
department. I am going to write
an angry letter regarding this
issue, but I still haven’t gotten
my letterhead.
ASLMU plans to fight the
new ruling, complaining that
they were not consulted before
the decision was made. “This is
the first I’ve heard about test¬
ing,” commented ASLMU
President J. Ruben Gonzalez,
“They didn’t even ask. They
never do. Sometimes I don’t
think they value our opinion.
Am I right?”
The new regulations are pat¬
terned after recent changes
made at other schools, such as
Pepperdine and Dartmouth.
Students registered their
disgust at being subject to rules
they characterized as “oppres¬
sive” at a massive rally held
Tuesday on the Lair Patio dur¬
ing convocation hour.
“That’s the man for you,
always getting you down,” said
senoir Joe McNeilly. “I wish I’d
gone to public school.”
The student workers will
supervise the collection and
testing of student workers’
urine samples. John Lee, a stu¬
dent worker, commented, “I just
don’t know what we’re going to
Soccer Team Seeks
Retribution in Desmond
by Sylvia Plath
Staff Beatnik
T ate Monday night, a riotous
X-igroup of approximately 15
male students stormed
Desmond Hall intent on retri¬
bution for a confrontation earli¬
er in the evening. Once inside
the building, the group went
door to door, awoke the sleeping
residents and yelled profani¬
ties.
The female residents opened
their doors and quickly turned
the hallway into a grisly scene
of blood and tears.
Apparently, the band was
looking for a resident who had
allegedly harassed someone
from the men’s soccer team by
saying, “I see Paris, I see
France, I see your underpants.”
Unable to formulate a viable
comeback at the moment, the
player returned to Desmond
with his friends to assault the
student.
“They came into our build¬
ing yelling and screaming and
carrying on as if they were in
their mother’s living room,”
grumbled Suszana Huge, “so, I
Attacked: page 2
Really Big Squirrel
Annoys Students
SCOTT GROLLER
/
LOYOLAN
A monstrous squirrel wreaked havoc on the campus Monday, devouring dozens of unsuspecting students,
such as junior Fred Schroeder, whose horrible death is pictured above. Mia Shanley, a senior
Communications Major who witnessed the event, said 7 never knew squirrels ate human flesh, or that they
could be fifty feet tall.” See story, page 25.
Ansel Adams
/
LOYOLAN
While undergoing the new mandatory drug test, senior chemistry major
Dave Hempy prays that the gallons of vinegar and cranberry juice worked.
SDS Offices Move
to Alumni Gym
■ Kicked out:
Loyolan and Tbwer
Year book offices will
be expanded to
include nearly all of
Malone’s third floor
by Mark Ibold
Staff Writer
To be consistent with the
administration’s ongoing policy to
spoil whitey, they have just moved
SDS into the decrepit attic in
Alumni Gym, which was formerly
home to the esteemed, favorite
children of Loyola, the Loyolan.
The move will allow the
Loyolan to almost double the size of
its already roomy office space.
University officals said, “The
Loyolan wanted space for a salad
bar, and for everyone on staff to
have water beds. The SDS office is
almost too big for them, so we
threw in a Solo Flex, and mechani¬
cal bull.” The project will cost
approximately $500,000. “So far
about $20,000 has been spent.
We’re just going give the Loyolan
the rest and let them spend it how
ever they want.”
The increase of luxuries was
welcomed by the Loyolan staff.
“I’m going to get a whore every
night this summer,” said assistant
Perspective editor and notorious
pederast, Jim Gavin.
“Jim loves a good whore, but
not me. I’m all for the crack. My
heart will probably explode before
we spend all that money,” said Art
andTheater Editor, Don Zacharias.
Predictably, SDS is not as excit¬
ed about the move as the Loyolan.
Because SDS is one of the universi¬
ty’s most important and active
organizations, and because, after
years of hard work and necessary
struggles with administration,
they have established a proud tra¬
dition of being a voice of diversity
and enlightment on campus, they
feel being moved to the cramped
space in Alumni is unjustified.
Members of SDS had many of
valid complaints regarding this,
but for the purpose of screwing
them, this article will only concen¬
trate on what the Loyolan will get.
“Now we can all ride jet ski’s to
class and have extravgant orgies
every weekend instead of every
other weekend,” said imaginary
staff writer Arnold Edmondson.
Horoscope Editor Emily Fluge also
anticipated a better life for herself,
saying, “Now we don’t have to
worry about producing a tenth-rate
newspaper every week, because we
have enough money stay drunk all
the time.”
Efforts to gather more com¬
ments from Loyolan staffers
proved difficult, as many were too
busy on the Shp ‘n’ Slide that now
extends through the former SDS
offices. However, it was obvious
that they were enjoying their new
misbegotten confines.
INDEX
Fondue Recipes
1
Obituaries
5
Soap
9
Inside Jokes
14
Howie Mandell
17
Tripe
20
Hard-Core Porn
23
The Ziggy Page
24
